I Am The Dreamer..But I'm Also The Enemy.

Last night i had a dream about being on a scavenger hunt. I was on a sandy, white beach at night and there was a whole crowd of people gathered around. The regular "surfer" gals and dudes were gathered around a bonfire enjoying each other's company. I stared out at these individuals, none of which i recognized, and noticed that everyone was partnered up but me. We were ready to start searching when i looked up to find i was all alone. So i began to walk up and down the beach only leaving my foot prints in the sand. The beach was getting darker and colder but never seemed to end and through it all i never did find what i was looking for. As i woke up this morning i realized that this was no doubt a metaphor for my life. The way i seem to always be searching for something and always coming up short. I am 22. I have no secondary education, no boyfriend, no appliable skills, and talents that are completely useless without discipline, which i severly lack. That leaves me in a very weird position in life. It's like i'm not at the bottom of the barrel but i'm not exactly in the middle either. I'm like a fish fighting to swim into the open sea and every time i try a little, i get snatched up and brought back to the beginning. Some how i just keep swimming...*Sigh*



Regardless, sitting here complaining is a lot easier than getting off this chair and actually doing something about my unhappiness. Although it wouldn't help, as it is 1:13 a.m. and there is nothing going on in this small town that would cause me any amount of happiness. Even i'll be the first to admit, I am at most times comfortable living in a bubble and i secretly i tend to enjoy it. Every now and then though this little, irritating feeling of wanting something more out of life creeps up in my head. Dreams, hopes, feelings, big cities come back around and wake me from my zombie like state. I see them but no matter how much i stretch out my hand, i lose. I never seem to get anything that i want. Without a job and without anyone to talk to I've lost my struggle and my fight and subsided to a mediocre life. I used to say what i meant to people and i was feisty and restless and even happier to work at seeing my dreams come true. Now, it just seems like i've learned how to "get by" and to slink through life almost completely unnoticed. Lately i've noticed that i can walk into any room full of people and have no one look up or even acknowledge my existence. This can be good and bad for me. I need space from everyone and most of the times i clam up when talking one-on-one, i just can't seem to get words out of my mouth. From there on i'm worrying about what i should say or do and the whole conversing with others is a stretch for me. My voice isn't the loudest either, in fact, i'm so collected and quiet that most people can't hear me anyway. At this time, whether it be family or just aquantances no one wants to know how i am or even say hi most times. In the rare cases when they do actually ask i am quick to give a standard answer "Good" or "I'm fine" but most times i'm not. But i don't want to talk to anyone about it, ever. Sharing feelings to me is seen as a weakness and i try to never let a bad answer or a flicker in my mood say any different. Yet, here i am telling you now. Weird, isn't it? It's my own way of putting aside my insecurities and I know it's my own fault. Most times i am thankful no one says anything. It's mainly the reason i started writing when i was 13, i had no one else to talk to because of my inability to say anything about how i felt. Today i just wish i wasn't so transparent and someone, anyone, would take notice and that i would be able to explain everything the way i feel it. I'm good and bad, tough but weak, happy and sad, i am polar opposites fighting in the same body. I swear i am truly a masochist. Just like the Green Day song that says "Do You Know You're Enemy?" I do and I honestly believe I am my own worst enemy.